If you're like me, you want to teach your kids how to resolve their little conflicts by themselves. Tattling is inappropriate attention-seeking behavior, and the tattler is rarely 100% free of responsibility. Unless someone is bleeding, coughing up a lung or otherwise in danger, the rule in my house is: no tattling. Besides, a parent could spend their entire day mitigating sibling skirmishes! While saving yourself time, you could be teaching them an invaluable life skill. Here is a great formula for conflict resolution: 1) Tell the person what you didn't like 2) Tell the person how it make you feel 3) Tell the person what you want in the future 4) Person responds with what they can do. Here is how this played out earlier in my home. 7 Year Old comes up to me with that distinctive "informer" sing-song voice. "Mommmeeee, 4 Year Old said SHUT UP to meeeee....!" I feel tension because he knows the rule about tattling but I supress the urge to punish him. "7 year old, I just wrote down this neat thing you can do to resolve conflicts with other people. I put it here on the fridge where everyone can see it. Do you know what conflict means?" "No." "Conflict is when two people are arguing. So here goes..." And I explain the method. Then, I walk him into the playroom where 4 year old is hiding. (He has learned that "shut up" has much power over 7 year old but since Mommy doesn't allow "shut up" he fears a little time-out reminder.) I walk 7 year old through it while 4 year old emerges from his hiding place. "4 year old, I don't like it when you say "shut up" to me. It makes my feelings hurt. Next time I want you to not say "shut up". I ask 4 year old what he can do next time. "Um.....I can say sumfin nice." Said children are playing in the living room again. Mission Accomplished! |
